Summing up the self is impossible

My new boss observed recently, ‘You don’t talk much about yourself, do you?’ My initial response—as of I needed to justify some sort of lack in that regard—was perhaps I am being shy. A quiet part of me wondered if I don’t like talking about myself, a wonder that I immediately quashed because I do talk about myself (and am now writing about myself!). Later I thought I have been too busy at work to chat, but that is also not entirely the case either unless I was simply being polite in engaging in conversation.

Leaving the machinations of my overthinking behind, some people do seem to love talking about themselves. They could be trying to make themselves look good or they might not have anything else to talk about. They could be narcissistic if talking about themselves is all they do. Or it could be simply that this is a way we relate to others, by sharing our own experiences. There is absolutely something powerful in sharing personal stories and experiences with others, there is no denying that.

Society puts much stake on how we define ourselves. In a job interview we are asked, ‘What three words would you use to describe yourself?’ or perhaps the two questions for us to elucidate our weaknesses and strengths. In my last job interview, I ran out of words at one of these questions. This is partly because I was ill prepared, but I like to think it was also a subconscious response from my non-conventional self against this simplified summing up. (Also trying to convince myself I did not just have a brain blockage.)

It takes time to get to know someone though. To expect you to get to know me immediately by summing myself up in a few words and phrases would be disingenuous. It is common to form an assumption about a person on first meeting them. Again, this links to the psychology of the job interview, it is often noted that people form an opinion on you within the first 30 seconds. Instinctive trust upon meeting a new person—a strange problem I have had—could lead you to accept the words that a person uses to describe their self, when it is more often actions observed over time that reveal that person’s true nature.

I am not suggesting that we distrust people from the start if they love talking about themselves. Context will always trump that anyway. In my situation, I am being sensibly cautious, I think, not to talk too much about myself with a new boss until I have a handle on them. But fundamentally I prefer to think that over time I will reveal myself. For want of a better analogy, I prefer to perform the artful striptease rather than the immediate full monty. But in the context of who you are, it’s less about thinking you might lose interest or wanting to maintain some mystery than about recognising that I am—people are—more complicated than to be summed up so quickly.